This is our Father’s Day Special Feature!
Volleywood proudly presents “Tom Hoff: A Family I’ve Always Wanted”: One of the most personal interviews we’ve ever done!
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Sandy and I have 5 beautiful daughters…
Tatum aka King Cobra, 6
Ella aka Wigs, 4
Ava aka Ava Monster, 3
Demi and Zoey aka Baby Rhinos, 8 mos.
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When did you first realize fatherhood was more important that your career? what was the TURNING point?
Seeing our first child being born and thinking that I was officially her Daddy forever… From that Point on really nothing on the VB court could ever make me nervous. And as I grew as a Father and my family grew, my responsibilities grew, so did my ability to influence myself and others in a more positive manner that had our one team goal in mind being the best in the world. As I “grew up” I saw things more clearly what I thought needed to be done and how to do it to accomplish our team goals.
What is your schedule like or how do u manage your schedule between the national team and fatherhood?
Scheduling is a huge part of how both Sandy (wife) and I deal with the career and what it brings. When I first met Sandy, when I was 21 I was already deeply following VB and doing anything it took to satiate my appetite to find more competitive VB players to be around. She understood early on that VB was my passion and driving force in my life, so she traveled with me several times, moving to Colorado, Greece many times, Russia for 2 weeks…and eventually being a single parent a lot for the time while i was playing VB somewhere. We always had well thought out short term and long term plans of where we were going together as a family, as a career and the implications of mixing those 2 was not always easy.
What would you say is the most interesting discovery or discoveries you’ve ever felt or found on being a father?
Being a father was showing my girls how a father should handle himself in the home, at work, with their Mother and with strangers. I want them to look at me and strive to find someone in their life that values and treats them the way I treat each of my daughters, the way I treat my wife, and the way I behave around the home, these three things are a huge responsibility and I do not take any of them lightly but they are also very difficult to accomplish…and I am always a work in progress with all these aspects…..that mimics the way I have approached VB in a way, always rethinking the process, retooling, evaluating myself.
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How did you prepare yourself career when you started to have kids? Were you well prepared for the sacrifices you’d have to make in the future?
Unfortunately when I first started having kids, I was in the “thick” of my VB incubation as an athlete/leader…And when you are striving to really peak your abilities out in any profession, you need to be incredibly selfish to try to accomplish that…the only way I was able to do this was to have an equally driven, supportive, loving nurturing wife and Mother to my children, and I found that special one in Sandy….I was very lucky to be given the ability to absolutely chase my dreams knowing she was there for me and the family… Now each year that goes by, I look at every choice, every opportunity and view it as a sacrifice and possible reward, and this equation is constantly changing as I mature as a Father and become an older athlete.
Playing in a foreign club limits your time with the girls, how did/do you make up for it?
Actually when the girls were younger and I was playing in Greece, I got to spend a lot more time with them than any regular dad would because we would practice at night when they were sleeping…that was with Tatum and Ella. After Ava came along, it became apparent having 3 kids was way too taxing on my wife being alone overseas, so I started to travel solo. I try to make up for it by daily phone & Skype calls. There’s a lot of communication to keep up with what is going on as they are growing up without you. Tatum would answer my Skype calls coming in to our house and we would start up the video and video chat for a while with her and the other kids. I wont lie when I was in Russia both times…you get real nervous about the time away and hope you are not some outcast when you arrive home. It comes with the opportunity of being a professional player though…everything in life has some sacrifices in it.
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What do you like to do with your kids?
Things I love to do with my kids….swim, wrestle, cook huge breakfasts, go on nature walks….
Is becoming a father more difficult than training on the National team? How so?
Playing on the national team is a job to me, a great job and a job I value with incredible respect and honor but in the end I am playing a sport for a living…..raising my kids is by far more important to who I am and who I will be then sports..
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What was one of the most surprising things you’d never forget your girls ever did for/ to you?
They made this big sign after we won the Gold Medal and hung it over the garage door and they would not let me take it down for a long time. I really felt like they somewhat understood why their Dad was gone for 30 days and they saw us win on TV and wanted to tell our neighbors where I have been the last month. You would think that young kids would just be upset at me being absent but they were excited we won and wanted to celebrate, it brought me to tears….but I am such a softie with my kids they can do it very easily…
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Do you have any advice or advices to fathers out there who are in the same position as you?
To cherish the time you have with them while you are here with them…Trying to be the best at whatever you do is an incredibly selfish endeavor…you need to be able to look yourself in the eye and give a time line of the sacrifices and rewards if you happen to achieve it. And fortunately for me and my family, The Hoff team…we were the best in the world in 2008….
Trying to be a Gold medalist and raising a family is a darn near impossible task without the incredible support of my loving wife…SANDY, she has practically raised our kids by herself and I know for sure I could not have done her job…So for anyone thinking of taking on this momentous task of becoming an Olympic champ and a father, you better look right next you at your wife, because she needs to be every bit as resilient and strong and passionate as you do…..
If one of them decides to become a volleyball player, would you let her play the sport?
Yes I would completely back her in VB, that is one of the most powerful things my parents did for me when I was young and developing my dream to become an Olympian and gold medalist from a town that had no HS VB and such. The path was not clear, but I did not care how badly the odds are stacked against you, the beauty of youth….
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How do you discipline your kids?
We use time outs, never hitting, never yelling, the rules apply across the board…you hit you sit; you raise your voice you have to apologize…Easy no way…having 5 kids tests the limits of any persons limits, somehow my wife has unreal high tolerance for kid craziness, sometimes she can tell I need a break and need to step in the yard to step away.
Tatum says: Daddy I broke my heart…what should I do?
Well the one thing I want to be is an involved father in all aspects of raising my girls, that will not always be comfortable at first, but I will always try to allow my kids to talk to me and have me just listen, not try to be the problem solver which I think as guys and especially engineers….(my mindset) I am immediately think to solve problem instead of listening…I am now much better at this task and my wife will remind me when dealing with the girls empathy will build up huge credibility.
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What if one your daughters would join the army? Would you let her?
If it is her passion in her life to fight for our country I would be honored….obviously as a parent you want your children to understand the risks involved with any decision. If I had already her from Ella that she completely understood what her decision entailed and she was still passionate about it, then go for it. I can only imagine as a parent, having your kids find that passion in their life to be such a rich and rewarding experience for the both of you.
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What if one of them wants to become an Olympic Champion like you? How would you guide her?
This is very difficult…the way I became an Olympic champion and the way she might could be totally different courses. I do truly believe that a hard work is the basis from which all great things come from are bound to.. I learned this from my Father Rich…he worked harder then most and was rewarded by being better and more successful and having more longevity in his business than most. Hard work, having a vision, a dream to wrap your mind around and then the absolute will power to combine working hard when others say not too, when others say that you might fail, to actually keep trying after failures and have the mental will power to say I will not stop until I have with tried with every cell of my being and be satisfied with maxing out your potential or not stopping until that dream is realized.
What if one of the twins will ask you to tell her a heartbreaking moment in your volleyball career?
Being a senior in college at Long beach, we had a great team ranked something like 2 or 3, I was a widely recognized good player throughout the volleyball in college. We played a lesser talented team and lost in 4 games to finish my senior season. That day I think I went to the beach and sat around the courts to watch volleyball. I did not treat my body like I was a highly tuned college athlete going after a NCAA championship…and even worse I did not drive myself and my teammates to the point of us being tough enough, mentally and physically to win the whole thing. We lost the first round and I was absolutely devastated. The worst loss I ever experienced. It took months to get over, waking up in the middle of the night, crying my eyes out…..I embarrassed my school, my team, my coach, myself, I embarrassed my name and everything I touched…where I came from. This was a huge turning point for my career.
After getting over the defeat and know there was no way to get back lost time. I would have to reengineer myself as a player. I told myself when I join the USA team that I needed to be in that role. I knew I could instill in the guys the ability to trust me unconditionally, every fiber in my body would scream winning for the team was first and foremost. I would show my teammates that I would work so hard every day not for me but for us and I wanted people to join in and collectively train like it was our last days to train. Now I knew I was not the best player on the team though out any part of my USA career, but the only thing important was developing this team that would be mentally physically and be psychologically be tougher than any team we faced and we were going to be the best team unit. This part getting the individuals to finally give up a little bit of them selves to make the team stronger was a huge builder for us right before 2008 .
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What if you you’d have a gay child?
As parents of our kids, we do not dream up certain heights, weights, hair color, future jobs…etc….The biggest thing I want for all my kids is to know that if they are happy in their life. I want my girls to live satisfying fulfilling happy lives that make them feel like they are changing the world. Being gay or straight is different to us only like we know VB and not skateboarding real well. I would learn more of what makes her world happy to her and understand it from her perspective… that’s all….sure it would be easy if my girls all grew up to look like grasshoppers and played volleyball all through college and studied engineering and played some USA volleyball after but that would make life to stale. And if there is one thing I am sure about, it is that Sandy and I will have our hands full for many years to come, but we are ready for the challenge and we will let our girls know what ever path they chose, they will always have unconditional love from Mom and Dad. The kids can come back to us under any duress and we will be there for them to listen with empathy….
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If you were holding a mirror now and be given the chance to talk to yourself as a father of 5 beautiful girls and as a husband of a very loving wife…what would you tell yourself?
“Tom, please promise that for every thought of striving to figure out where your life will take you and your family in the future, take sometime to appreciate what a supportive, beautiful, and loving family you are surrounded by each day.”